Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Fears and Dreams

I used to know an old cowboy who was also a Deputy Sheriff.  He was big man who sometimes did law enforcement the old way -  with a gunbelt and a Steston on horse back.  Picture a quieter, low key version of John Wayne. He'd stop in to visit the ranch I was working on, sometimes to hunt quail or just shoot the breeze.  When it was time to go he'd say,  "I'm done bein' here". I was always struck by the good humor and the clarity of that statement.

After months of debate and delay Susan and I have decided that we're "done bein' here" in Santa Barbara. And in that decision, all things become clear and we're dashing away from the starting line as if the starter fired a pistol.

But last night I was visited by ghosts.  A series of mental knocks and dragging chains that woke me and tormented me at 3:00 AM.  What about the career success I promised myself but never achieved here?  What about the business I started and built in Santa Barbara, only to watch it deflate in the current economic calamity?  What about  this new venture of farming?  The ghosts were swirling and stirring up my fears of failure.  Feelings of remorse arrived with each review of my past.  The ghosts said, "Look at all the ways you have failed!" What about the time I wasted instead of building success? What makes me think I can DO this?

The intention to move has been ours for years.  The physical move is now beginning.  I've just discovered that I'm not quite ready yet to saddle up. I've got a lot of work to do and a long way to go before I can face the spirits of fear and doubt and confidently say to myself, "I'm done bein' here."


  I stopped in for a dentist appointment and saw this nicely kept '66 Mustang in the parking lot.


beansgood said...

I can so totally relate to those mixed feelings as the moving date looms closer. So much to do... the reality hits hard and becomes a bittersweet experience.

I basically orchestrated our move by myself and looking back on it, I'm astounded that I managed it all without falling apart. Mind you, I had nothing but time since I had been laid off my job in January of that year and we moved in May. Still... there was TONS to do. We shipped a large container of all our possessions we didn't wish to part with plus shipped our second vehicle, put a rebuilt engine in our leisure van and headed out at about 10:30 pm at the end of it to avoid traffic, arriving at our destination five days later. And here we are... five years later and have never looked back. Crappy income but lovin' the country life.

I think it takes a LOT of guts to do what you're doing but I know that you're the envy of many who will only ever dream of doing what you're doing. YOUR dream will soon be your reality. How exciting!

John Quimby said...

Beansgood -

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm now wading through so much physical, emotional and spiritual baggage that it's hard to know where to begin.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be packed to go there.

So when you write about your experience (and survival!) I'm much encouraged.

Susan and I have worked very hard to make money as our measure of success. Now we want to work hard to make life its own measure.

We are immigrants. What an adventure that is!